I can add text to a picture, therefore I am a Photoshop LEGEND.

Now, badly edited photos have always been a pet hate of mine. It seems, after searching the internet I've found there are many types of these pseudo-shit for brains-photo editors, some a little more annoying than others.
If YOU think you can edit photos, take a read through this editorial and send us a picture of your face when your dreams are shattered.

Now, on to the least annoying and quite harmless-yet-laughable stage of photo editing.
Picture it; You've just got into social networking websites and you see all the pretty pictures with all the pretty emo lyrics and aliases tattooed over what is supposed to be a photo of someone, but now looks like the back page of a notepad at a self help center.
You think, "Hey, I want to be cool like that!" so you open up Microsoft Paint, the epitome of the professional photographic world.
After a hard, back-breaking few minutes grafting your masterpiece, you are finished.
You step away from your screen and nod approvingly at the wondrous creation before you.


This is not a joke, I am deadly serious. I actually came across this train wreck on MySpace.
Seriously, who in their right mind does this?! What was this girl thinking? "I think defining my oversized nose and colouring out my eyes will REALLY reel in the lads, I'm sure my life long loneliness will be ended, all thanks to this marvellous crock of shit!"

This picture is fuel for my argument that Microsoft Paint shouldn't be included with Windows operating systems...
Think of the children.


Next, we get a little cocky after all the attention our paint masterpieces have brought on, and we move up the software ladder.
Now we have the (appropriately named) photo tool known as "Gimp". Oh the irony...
Now you are a photo warrior and brushes are available to you!
To any new photo editor, brushes seem to be the staple of their work. The holy grail.

Holy crap! Watch out guys. You can't steal this oil painting as it has been copyrighted!
I'm sure the thieves of the internet are going to kick chair when they see this prodigy has stuck that little "C" in the corner of their prize possession.
Well done genius! Have a lollipop and go and play in the sand!

Here, the brush also makes it first appearance.
When I see this picture, I just think "flamingos!" The theme is so obviously there, so the brushes really add to it...


Now you're a pro. You've got Photoshop and you're ready to take over the interweb with your enviable skills and boyish good looks. Congratulations.

If you've read any tutorials on photo manipulation now is the time to forget everything you've learnt! That's right boys and girls, you don't want to spend thousands of pounds on a good camera lense, nor do you want to learn how to airbrush and reposition your sorrowful features. No, infact, all you need to know is contrast, brightness and blur!

Now you can't hide your face with brushes you must take photos at awkward angles, and then crank up the contrast and brightness, after all... who needs noses?! It's not like they're "cool" or "hip". No no, they are not. Noses are simply a doorway for your party drugs. Don't stop brightening until you have eyewatering colours and you've lost half of your facial features.

Only when you have done this may you move on to the next step. The blur tool.
That's right kids. Forget what your mommy told you about being beautiful and staying true to yourself. Blur away your face so it looks like your picture was taken out the window of a car, hurling towards a wall at 100mph.

Beautiful.


Please take note: Photo manipulation is ment to ENHANCE your appearance...